Separate but Equal

Having two older sisters growing up I cried a great deal about things not being fair. From my view things were never fair but I was a kid and didn’t know any better. It was my parents place to know best on matters of what was fair. As an adult and parent myself now it is my place to decide what is fair for my girls and it can be tricky.

I have seen it many times recently, parents too busy keeping things fair between their kids. While as a society we complain about the “everybody gets a trophy” mentality many of us are doing just that in our own homes. Need an example of what I am talking about? The non potty training sibling getting treats and prizes too but they are not doing the work, the other sibling getting gifts on birthdays so they are not left out, everyone having the same bedtime, the child who does not eat enough dinner still getting dessert. You see where I am going now don’t you. The times when we as parents just give in to what is easier than facing the truth with our kids that things in the world are not always fair.

Now, when talking about this with some other mommies they informed me that it must be easier for me because I have twins. I almost laughed out loud. While yes my girls were in the womb together and are the same age they have NEVER performed exactly the same at anything. While potty training they earned their stickers and prizes at different rates. Did we have a few sad moments, sure, but I was not giving anything out if they did not complete the task at hand. We have had many nights in my house where only one girl has earned a dessert and the other just sits there.

You might be asking yourself why not just give one child less dessert or make them wait before they get it. If you are wondering either of those you worry too much about things being fair. And all I can say to you is that things are only fair for everyone if the same expectations are held for each person. It is my view of keeping things separate but equal in our house. Each girl performs at her own rate separately but the standards are equal between the two.

In August we started working with the girls to stop sucking their thumbs. They decided that they wanted the much coveted Disney Princess Toddler doll as their reward for being a big girl and no longer sucking their thumb. I agreed to this reward and we have been reminding them to “keep thumbs out of your mouth” ever since. Well, today after church we headed to the Mall together as a family so that Ainsley who stopped sucking about 2 weeks ago could get her Snow White Doll. While I am proud of Ainsley for breaking the habit I was most proud of Kendal who told her sister “Good job” as she walked out of the Disney store with her doll. Kendal did not cry, pout, or throw a fit that her hands were empty. She simply declared that when she stopped sucking her thumb she would get the Jasmine doll.

I would like to claim that my kids understand that you have to work for what you get in life and that things are not always fair but that they are equal if you put in the work. The truth is though they don’t understand it all in the big picture way, only how it relates to their own little world. Is it easy running a separate but equal household with kids, no but I feel it is the best way I can teach my kids about how the real world works as everyone else is handing them trophies for just showing up.