Where I Was A Year Ago

Every few months I like to look back at photos of the girls from the last year to see how much they have changed. It’s so fun to see the difference that a year can make; from non-walkers to runners or from little beans to little girls. While doing this the other day I wondered for a moment what I was like this time last year and it all came rushing back to me like a long lost memory.

See, last year things were hard for me. Things at home were stressful because my husband was going through some personal stuff which left me feeling the pressure of being the perfect wife and mommy while pretending that everything was great with a long term house guest around as well. Outside of my house things were not much better as I was having a really hard time figuring out where I fit in the world of stay at home mommies. With all this going on I decided the best course of action was to put on a happy face and not only pretend that everything was fine but act like I was living a perfect life full of bliss.

Then it happened, I was at one of those kids events at my local mall that could drive the sanest person crazy when I ran into some fellow twin mommies. We chatted as we watched our kids and all was well. My girls and I then went over to the play area to spend our last few minutes when one of the moms came over to me. She asked “Is everything ok? You look a little out of it?” Feeling discovered I quickly claimed lack of sleep (the best cover-up for any mommy) and smiled and put on the best “perfect” act that I could. I have a feeling she saw right through my act. She then said if I ever needed anything to let her know and she went about her way. Feeling not so perfect I gathered my girls and headed home happy that I had fooled her and kept up my guard. Sounds silly I know, but when people ask if you are ok, do they really want to know the truth? Looking back it didn’t matter if she wanted the truth, the real issue was that I was not willing to except the truth.

Over the next few days I kept thinking about her question transitioning from the defensive “what does she know” to the regret of “maybe I should have said something”. Then during an argument with my husband about something non important he asked “what is wrong with you?” and I said the hardest thing I have ever said to him. I simply told him with tears “I am not happy”. I think my statement shocked both of us, but it was true. I was not happy. I then had to explain that it was not that I was unhappy with our relationship, or motherhood, or any one thing, I just did not feel happy with anything like an overwhelming numb feeling. In my quest to appear perfect to the outside world I made myself feel numb to everything. Pretending everything was perfect was just making me draw myself farther away from anyone whose life seemed actually perfect to me. Now let me tell you nothing forces you deeper into the pit of self-despair then being all alone and that is what I had done.

I wish I could say that I called that twin mommy for a chat but I still couldn’t let down my guard. Instead I unloaded on another poor mommy friend who came over for a play date who I think I took by surprise as all of my drama came rolling out. Not the most graceful purging of one’s soul I am sure, but lucky for me she sat there and listened and I felt a little better letting someone else know what was going on.

So why am I telling you this now? Because I think we get so caught up in what we think we should be that we are keeping ourselves from simply being what we are. I know I do my best as a wife, friend and mother and some days are better than others. I know I want to be the kind of friend who can ask “is everything ok” when I sense someone is not feeling well. I want to be the mommy who someone can talk to at a playdate. I want to be there for these others mommies as they have been there for me.

Getting back to “Happy” took some time, but I got there. I cut ties with some stressful situations, took some time for myself, and was more honest with those around me. Most importantly I learned that you never have to carry the weight of the world on your own, that when you ask for help you do not look weak you actually look smart because you have identified when the load is much. I hurt my back when I was pregnant carrying stone paver stones because I did not want to look weak, you would think I would have learned my lesson then but I am a bit of a slow learner I guess.